Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

Who called it baking and not making love

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.