Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

im gay on my mothers side

starting a garage orchestra

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.