Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?