You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
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Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
This is so me 😂😂
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.