Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

dude it’s called proctologist

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.