you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
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Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
sry
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.