Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

On the surface: cool as a cucumber…

On the inside: squirrel in traffic…

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

The funk soul brother

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”