you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
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Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-