@yoiain

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

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@hippieswordfish

weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount

@Grommit56

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

@3sunzzz

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

@ramblinma

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

@ActualHuman01

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

@ThatBloke_Jesus

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

@HomeWithPeanut

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

@Lisa_Laughs_

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.