“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
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weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Dinosaurs never had peanut butter and jelly and they all died.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.