“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
You Might Also Like
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I would like even faster food.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Everyone’s family
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married