I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.
“Wow,” she says.
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judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Dear women married to homophobic racist adult males:
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen