@BlindChow

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

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@Caissie

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

@KeetPotato

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

@AdamUrbane

Dear women married to homophobic racist adult males:

Nice ass.

@adrianmyreality

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

@LeiaMarieG

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

@spaceboyriley

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

@grandpa

pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money

@internetluke

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

@Dana_Bruno

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39