“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
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Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
decorating my apartment
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*