Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

Cha-ching is my safe word

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor

HEYYYY MACARENA

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

.. do you even science?

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.