Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

ㅤ

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

😂

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.