@marinhubka

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

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@sonictyrant

Date: *sees my guitar case* oh you play?

Me: i dabble *opens guitar case to reveal violin case*

Date: um

Me: *opens violin case to reveal kazoo*

Date: actually i just remembered i’m married

@Dani21013

“Can I substitute my side salad for a bowl of gravy?”
-Me, at any drive thru

@Jake_Vig

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

@WhatevaConc

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

@HatfieldAnne

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

@aytdao

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

@Ideal_Victoria

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

@CornOnTheGoblin

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

@funflaps

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M: