You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
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Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Dead sexy!!
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.