Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell