You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
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I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I bet birds love this building.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird