You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
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First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside