You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
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That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
set yourself free xox
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
i baked you a cake
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have