Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

Gods work.

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”