You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
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Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]