You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
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Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex