You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
You Might Also Like
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying