“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
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For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
They must have gotten it to go.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.