“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
You Might Also Like
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
🤣🤣
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.