There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password ex…
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.