Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

A completely valid reaction tbh

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.