“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
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[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
presenting your incognito window wrapped
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it