You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
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I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Impervious: being an admitted pervert