You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
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I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
yall want some gasoline milk
Meowchelangelo
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
<—- homeless romantic
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.