You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
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Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
The future is now.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Buying a well is money well spent.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
finally
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.