You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
You Might Also Like
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
The little toadstool has spoken.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
The struggle is real.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.