Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*

Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”

Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.