You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
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“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”