You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
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I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision