“you look easy to draw”
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I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.