“you look easy to draw”
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Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.