“you look easy to draw”
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[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
There are no pants in heaven.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
