“you look easy to draw”
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adding to the discourse
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what