“you look easy to draw”
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Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
This is always good for a laugh.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Whoa 😂
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.