Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired