‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
You Might Also Like
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Very good news from my accountant
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium