Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

The United Steaks of America

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.