You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
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Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
do horses think humans are hats
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago