You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
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Okey dokey.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Investing in beetcoin
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
relationship goals
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool