You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
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I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
That 👊
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*