You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?