You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody