You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?