Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

(yawn)

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one