You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
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First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
So sorry
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”