You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
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An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*