You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
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Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
My love language is hissing.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs