You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
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Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Yes 😂
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”