You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
You Might Also Like
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.