You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
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Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
