You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
when revenge coincides with naptime
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.