Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

This squirrel eats better than I do

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

Roadtrip thread:

We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.