You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
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Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
🤣😂🤣
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