You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
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Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
God has abandoned us.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it