You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
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Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Cake safety first. Always.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie