You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
You Might Also Like
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.