You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
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Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.