You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
You Might Also Like
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
i made a craigslist ad !
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.