You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
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I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate