@envydatropic

You look like you would fail a DNA test

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@ClichedOut

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

@Playing_Dad

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

@E_lok44

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

@GayAtHomeDad

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

@SnarkyMommy78

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

@Playing_Dad

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

@Mikecanrant

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites.

@JPLFR80

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich