Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

good work, detective

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…