Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
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I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?