You look like you would fail a DNA test
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[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
My zodiac sign is pistachio
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Lube but for my dry humor.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back