“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
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me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.