Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

All right then, keep your secrets

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.