Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

No flush

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

Phones down.

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

[loses house key, starts a new life]

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”