You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.