Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

per my last wtf

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.