You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
You Might Also Like
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.