“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
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Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer