Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.