“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
You Might Also Like
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look